I am here today to speak about
hope. Throughout our lives we’ve all
hoped for many things both insignificant and important. As kids we hoped for Santa to bring us our
favorite toy, and then as we grew older we hoped to get into the college we
wanted, we hoped for our dream job, we hoped we would find someone to spend the
rest of our lives with. We hoped for a
good diagnosis or easing of pain. But
what does the Bible say about hope? One
of my favorite verses is from Romans 12:12 –Rejoice in hope, be patient in
tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Notice how all three things are tied in this verse: hope, tribulation and prayer. It seems that these three things are tied
together in our everyday lives as well.
Our strongest desires that we hope for are often connected with trials
and tribulation. I want to share my own
personal experience with hope in the midst of suffering.
This past June my husband and I
celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. I still remember my plans for our married
life – we would build our dream house and then after about 3 years we would
have our first baby who would be a girl and then 2 or 3 years later we would
have a little boy and live happily ever after!
Isn’t it funny when you think you are in control?!
Well, three years went by and we
still lived in our tiny house and I was in no hurry to have children. In fact, I didn’t even start entertaining the
idea until after we had been married for 4 years, and even then I decided I
wanted to do some research first, so I ordered a few books from Amazon about
pregnancy and childbirth. BAD IDEA. I was so freaked out by some of the things I
read that I decided I was definitely NOT ready to have kids yet! Finally the next year I decided that I was
ready to face down my fears and start trying to have a baby – I told my husband
that if I finished the Clark Lake triathlon in under 2 hours (this was the
third year I had done it and had never broken 2 hours yet) that we could start
trying. Well, I finished it in 1 hour
and 57 minutes so I had to keep my promise!!
We were incredibly lucky and got
pregnant pretty much on our first try. I
found out I was pregnant on September 20, 2007.
I was so excited because I would be due in May – I had always wanted to
have a baby in May since that is when my birthday is and I loved the idea of
having a baby in the spring. Right away
I started planning – thinking of names, how we would tell everyone, would we
find out what we were having? I lived in
bliss for 10 days. On Sunday, September
30th I had been working in the garden and that night while making
dinner I felt like I had pulled a muscle in my groin.
As the night went on the pain got
worse and worse. Finally at about 3am I
woke my husband up and told him we had to go to the ER. I could barely walk. When we got there we had to wait for my
doctor to open his office so that he could do the ultrasound since they didn’t
have any techs working that night.
Finally at 8 am I saw my doctor and he confirmed the baby had implanted
in my left Fallopian tube and I would have to have surgery right away to remove
it before my tube burst. I was
devastated. We hadn’t even told our
parents we were pregnant and instead we were calling to tell them I was going
in for surgery right away and that I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. I ended up having a laparotomy – basically a
similar cut to a C-section because the doctor wanted to try to save my tube.
I came home the next day and had no
idea what to do or what to think. Prior
to this I had never really faced any major difficulties in my life – I usually
planned what I wanted, worked for it and got it. But I didn’t get my baby. Instead I was in tons of pain and had a scar
that would forever remind me of what I lost.
Suddenly having a baby went from being exciting and terrifying to
something that I HAD TO HAVE.
After waiting the required three
months for healing we were lucky enough to get pregnant right away again. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 23rd. Because of the ectopic pregnancy my doctor
did an ultrasound at 5 ½ weeks to make sure it wasn’t in the tube again and we
were ecstatic to see the sac developing in the uterus. We told our families right away at Christmas
and we felt like this was it, since we couldn’t possibly have more bad luck,
right?
I went in for an ultrasound at 8
weeks to see the heartbeat, but the doctor didn’t find one. He assured me that it was still early and
scheduled me to come back in a week and they would check again. A few days later we went to church and had
our pastor announce that we were expecting and to add us to the prayer list. During the prayers, I started to have some
cramping so I went to the bathroom. As
soon as I sat down blood just started gushing.
I was in shock. I had never seen
so much blood. After about 20 minutes
someone came in to check on me and I told them to get my husband so we could go
to the ER. When we got there, my worst
fears were confirmed – I had lost the baby.
I was heartbroken. And lost.
And I was angry – angry at God, angry at people who had babies or were
pregnant, angry at my husband for not hurting the same way I was. I remember describing my relationship with
God at this point as similar to having a fight with your best friend – you know
you will still be friends but you just don’t really feel like talking to
them. I decided I needed to take a break
and focused my energy on training for a 25K in the Keweenaw Peninsula that I
would run in July. I couldn’t think
about babies anymore.
At the end of the summer of 2008 I
was ready to try again and within a few months we found out I was
pregnant. Unfortunately 3 days later I
started bleeding – most likely I had experienced a chemical pregnancy. The next month we tried again and I found out
I was pregnant just after Christmas, almost exactly a year after my
miscarriage.
I wish I could tell you that this
was my miracle but again it wasn’t meant to be.
After multiple ultrasounds my doctor discovered that this pregnancy had
also implanted in my left Fallopian tube and I would need to have surgery again
and this time they would have to remove the tube so that I wouldn’t have to
risk of another ectopic in the future.
So, in January of 2009, almost exactly a year after I had lost my second
baby, I had surgery again to remove my fourth baby. Thankfully they were able to do this surgery
lapascropically so my physical recovery time was much easier.
Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had been pregnant four times and I still
did not have a baby to hold in my arms.
And that anger I felt toward God?
Oh, that was worse. I couldn’t
even look at my Bible. I felt so let
down by Him. Why would he do this to
me? Why did women on drugs and teenagers
get to have babies but I didn’t? Why
wasn’t He answering my prayers?
I think of this period in my life
as the dark times. All I could think
about was having a baby. Nothing else
was important. I started shutting people
out of my life because I didn’t think they understood. Nothing brought me joy because the one thing
I wanted I couldn’t have. From March to
August of 2009 we tried. Every single
month. In April I found out my sister was
pregnant and I was so angry. She is 5
years younger than me and had only been married for a little over 6 months and
was constantly fighting with her husband and I didn’t understand why she was
allowed to have what I couldn’t. I’m
still ashamed to admit that I didn’t talk to her for 4 months. I switched doctors in May because I wanted a
fresh start and she started me on a fertility drug, but nothing happened. I remember going to Babies R Us to buy a gift
for a family member who was having a baby shower and I had to leave the store
because I just started crying looking at all the baby things on her list and
wondering if I would ever get to make a list like that.
One event during this time really
sticks out in my mind – I was getting ready for bed and I came across a stack
of pregnancy magazines and I just lost it.
I was sobbing on my hands and knees begging God to give me the baby I so
desperately wanted. I cried and cried
for probably half an hour. Finally, when
I had nothing left I laid on the floor and felt a sense of peace come over
me. It felt like God had heard me and
was telling me not to give up hope – He was with me, He would take away my
pain.
I finally found out I was pregnant
again on September 4, 2009. I was
cautiously optimistic – after trying for 7 months I was happy that at least I
had finally gotten pregnant. On
September 17th I had my first
ultrasound, and there – at 6 weeks and 1 day – was my baby with the little
light that was her heart blinking on, off, on off. I cried like I had never cried before when I
saw the heartbeat – I had been pregnant 4 times but had never experienced the
joy of seeing my baby’s heart beating.
Even though I was still afraid that something would go wrong, I had hope
back in my life. I could finally start
to believe again, and on May 13, 2010 my beautiful daughter Grace was placed in
my arms – all 6 lbs, 5 ozs of perfection.
And I can tell you that I have never loved anything in my life more than
the moment I looked in her eyes and knew she was mine.
And you know what? God had not forsaken me. Even in my darkest moments when I felt like
He had disappeared, He was there. He
knew my heart’s desires, my dreams, my hopes.
My pain was actually His way of bringing me closer to Him. Through my suffering He was able to show me
how much He really loves me. I may have
decided it was time to start a family, but God knew better. He knew that in 2007 we would buy a house
that needed a complete remodel and would take us a year to complete while we
lived with my mom. He knew that without
those extra 2 years of me working we wouldn’t have been able to afford for me
to stay at home. He knew that my pain
and suffering would change my heart and remind me not to take the little things
for granted. He knew what was best for
me. He gave me a little girl that is
more than I could have ever imagined and who touches the lives of everyone she
meets. And remember how when we first
started trying and I wanted a girl born in May and then a little boy? He knew that too. I had my son on June 21, 2012.
One of my favorite songs is
“Blessings” by Laura Story. I can never
listen to that song without crying. In
the song she says, “What if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if your
healing comes through tears? What if a
thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies
in disguise?” Life never goes according to our plan. We never plan to have pain or to suffer. But God does – not because He doesn’t love us
but because He wants us nearer to Him.
He never wants us to give up hope.
He wants us to rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant
in prayer. Only in this will we find the
answers to everything we are looking for.
