Hope

Earlier this month I spoke at an Advent service about hope.  Here is my speech - I was very proud of myself for being able to share this and I realize that doing so helped bring me more closure.

I am here today to speak about hope.  Throughout our lives we’ve all hoped for many things both insignificant and important.  As kids we hoped for Santa to bring us our favorite toy, and then as we grew older we hoped to get into the college we wanted, we hoped for our dream job, we hoped we would find someone to spend the rest of our lives with.  We hoped for a good diagnosis or easing of pain.  But what does the Bible say about hope?  One of my favorite verses is from Romans 12:12 –Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Notice how all three things are tied in this verse:  hope, tribulation and prayer.  It seems that these three things are tied together in our everyday lives as well.  Our strongest desires that we hope for are often connected with trials and tribulation.  I want to share my own personal experience with hope in the midst of suffering.

This past June my husband and I celebrated our 11^th wedding anniversary.  I still remember my plans for our married life – we would build our dream house and then after about 3 years we would have our first baby who would be a girl and then 2 or 3 years later we would have a little boy and live happily ever after!  Isn’t it funny when you think you are in control?!  

Well, three years went by and we still lived in our tiny house and I was in no hurry to have children.  In fact, I didn’t even start entertaining the idea until after we had been married for 4 years, and even then I decided I wanted to do some research first, so I ordered a few books from Amazon about pregnancy and childbirth.  BAD IDEA.  I was so freaked out by some of the things I read that I decided I was definitely NOT ready to have kids yet!   Finally the next year I decided that I was ready to face down my fears and start trying to have a baby – I told my husband that if I finished the Clark Lake triathlon in under 2 hours (this was the third year I had done it and had never broken 2 hours yet) that we could start trying.  Well, I finished it in 1 hour and 57 minutes so I had to keep my promise!!

We were incredibly lucky and got pregnant pretty much on our first try.  I found out I was pregnant on September 20, 2007.  I was so excited because I would be due in May – I had always wanted to have a baby in May since that is when my birthday is and I loved the idea of having a baby in the spring.  Right away I started planning – thinking of names, how we would tell everyone, would we find out what we were having?  I lived in bliss for 10 days.  On Sunday, September 30^th I had been working in the garden and that night while making dinner I felt like I had pulled a muscle in my groin. 

As the night went on the pain got worse and worse.  Finally at about 3am I woke my husband up and told him we had to go to the ER.  I could barely walk.  When we got there we had to wait for my doctor to open his office so that he could do the ultrasound since they didn’t have any techs working that night.  Finally at 8 am I saw my doctor and he confirmed the baby had implanted in my left Fallopian tube and I would have to have surgery right away to remove it before my tube burst.  I was devastated.  We hadn’t even told our parents we were pregnant and instead we were calling to tell them I was going in for surgery right away and that I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.  I ended up having a laparotomy – basically a similar cut to a C-section because the doctor wanted to try to save my tube.

I came home the next day and had no idea what to do or what to think.  Prior to this I had never really faced any major difficulties in my life – I usually planned what I wanted, worked for it and got it.  But I didn’t get my baby.  Instead I was in tons of pain and had a scar that would forever remind me of what I lost.  Suddenly having a baby went from being exciting and terrifying to something that I HAD TO HAVE. 

After waiting the required three months for healing we were lucky enough to get pregnant right away again.  I found out I was pregnant on Dec 23^rd.  Because of the ectopic pregnancy my doctor did an ultrasound at 5 ½ weeks to make sure it wasn’t in the tube again and we were ecstatic to see the sac developing in the uterus.  We told our families right away at Christmas and we felt like this was it, since we couldn’t possibly have more bad luck, right?

I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks to see the heartbeat, but the doctor didn’t find one.  He assured me that it was still early and scheduled me to come back in a week and they would check again.  A few days later we went to church and had our pastor announce that we were expecting and to add us to the prayer list.  During the prayers, I started to have some cramping so I went to the bathroom.  As soon as I sat down blood just started gushing.  I was in shock.  I had never seen so much blood.  After about 20 minutes someone came in to check on me and I told them to get my husband so we could go to the ER.   When we got there, my worst fears were confirmed – I had lost the baby.

I was heartbroken.  And lost.  And I was angry – angry at God, angry at people who had babies or were pregnant, angry at my husband for not hurting the same way I was.  I remember describing my relationship with God at this point as similar to having a fight with your best friend – you know you will still be friends but you just don’t really feel like talking to them.  I decided I needed to take a break and focused my energy on training for a 25K in the Keweenaw Peninsula that I would run in July.  I couldn’t think about babies anymore.

At the end of the summer of 2008 I was ready to try again and within a few months we found out I was pregnant.  Unfortunately 3 days later I started bleeding – most likely I had experienced a chemical pregnancy.  The next month we tried again and I found out I was pregnant just after Christmas, almost exactly a year after my miscarriage.

I wish I could tell you that this was my miracle but again it wasn’t meant to be.  After multiple ultrasounds my doctor discovered that this pregnancy had also implanted in my left Fallopian tube and I would need to have surgery again and this time they would have to remove the tube so that I wouldn’t have to risk of another ectopic in the future.  So, in January of 2009, almost exactly a year after I had lost my second baby, I had surgery again to remove my fourth baby.  Thankfully they were able to do this surgery lapascropically so my physical recovery time was much easier.

Emotionally, I was a wreck.  I had been pregnant four times and I still did not have a baby to hold in my arms.  And that anger I felt toward God?  Oh, that was worse.  I couldn’t even look at my Bible.  I felt so let down by Him.  Why would he do this to me?  Why did women on drugs and teenagers get to have babies but I didn’t?  Why wasn’t He answering my prayers?

I think of this period in my life as the dark times.  All I could think about was having a baby.  Nothing else was important.  I started shutting people out of my life because I didn’t think they understood.   Nothing brought me joy because the one thing I wanted I couldn’t have.  From March to August of 2009 we tried.  Every single month.  In April I found out my sister was pregnant and I was so angry.  She is 5 years younger than me and had only been married for a little over 6 months and was constantly fighting with her husband and I didn’t understand why she was allowed to have what I couldn’t.  I’m still ashamed to admit that I didn’t talk to her for 4 months.  I switched doctors in May because I wanted a fresh start and she started me on a fertility drug, but nothing happened.  I remember going to Babies R Us to buy a gift for a family member who was having a baby shower and I had to leave the store because I just started crying looking at all the baby things on her list and wondering if I would ever get to make a list like that.

One event during this time really sticks out in my mind – I was getting ready for bed and I came across a stack of pregnancy magazines and I just lost it.  I was sobbing on my hands and knees begging God to give me the baby I so desperately wanted.  I cried and cried for probably half an hour.  Finally, when I had nothing left I laid on the floor and felt a sense of peace come over me.  It felt like God had heard me and was telling me not to give up hope – He was with me, He would take away my pain.

I finally found out I was pregnant again on September 4, 2009.  I was cautiously optimistic – after trying for 7 months I was happy that at least I had finally gotten pregnant.  On September  17^th I had my first ultrasound, and there – at 6 weeks and 1 day – was my baby with the little light that was her heart blinking on, off, on off.  I cried like I had never cried before when I saw the heartbeat – I had been pregnant 4 times but had never experienced the joy of seeing my baby’s heart beating.  Even though I was still afraid that something would go wrong, I had hope back in my life.  I could finally start to believe again, and on May 13, 2010 my beautiful daughter Grace was placed in my arms – all 6 lbs, 5 ozs of perfection.  And I can tell you that I have never loved anything in my life more than the moment I looked in her eyes and knew she was mine.

And you know what?  God had not forsaken me.  Even in my darkest moments when I felt like He had disappeared, He was there.  He knew my heart’s desires, my dreams, my hopes.  My pain was actually His way of bringing me closer to Him.  Through my suffering He was able to show me how much He really loves me.  I may have decided it was time to start a family, but God knew better.  He knew that in 2007 we would buy a house that needed a complete remodel and would take us a year to complete while we lived with my mom.  He knew that without those extra 2 years of me working we wouldn’t have been able to afford for me to stay at home.  He knew that my pain and suffering would change my heart and remind me not to take the little things for granted.  He knew what was best for me.  He gave me a little girl that is more than I could have ever imagined and who touches the lives of everyone she meets.  And remember how when we first started trying and I wanted a girl born in May and then a little boy?  He knew that too.  I had my son on June 21, 2012. 

One of my favorite songs is “Blessings” by Laura Story.  I can never listen to that song without crying.  In the song she says, “What if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?  What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?” Life never goes according to our plan.  We never plan to have pain or to suffer.  But God does – not because He doesn’t love us but because He wants us nearer to Him.  He never wants us to give up hope.  He wants us to rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant in prayer.  Only in this will we find the answers to everything we are looking for.

So Far Behind!

I'm so behind on this blog it's pathetic.  There's a certain little someone I can blame on that though!  Ugh, where to start?  I think this is going to be more of a picture blog than a written blog since I don't really remember much about September and October. 
Let's start with Grace...she is still our goofy little girl (or as she say - doofy little dirl!).  Her vocabulary still continues to amaze us, and becomes more grown-up every day.  Noo-noos has been replaced by either noodles or macaroni and she has started using more pronouns instead of names (and referring to herself in the third person).  However, she still has cute little ways of saying things - gum is "dung" (eew!), yogurt is yogret and ballerina is bananina.  She also is a total imitator.  One of the current favorites is: "What's your problem?" (except she says it "What's your probrem?").  It's hilarious because she says it in this super-concerned voice and has this sad little look on her face.  She picked this up from me - I probably say it about 50 times a day to Evan when he is mad for no apparent reason.

Helping to dig the hole where her new sandbox will go

Playing in her new sandbox!

She was NOT a fan of the salamander - Toby was though!

She has started to love to color and is getting pretty good at it and is purposeful when she uses the crayon and isn't just randomly scribbling all over.  She still loves her baby dolls and is always copying the things I do with Evan on her dolls.  I have to check before I put Evan in his high chair, bouncy seat, Exersaucer or Bumbo in case there's a doll already in it!  The other day we were driving home and I looked back to see what she was doing and she was holding her baby doll up to her shoulder with a blanket wrapped around it and burping in it.  She had the sweetest look on her face - it was adorable!

Taking her baby for a walk wearing Daddy's
hat and gloves

Helping mommy carve her pumpkin

Cute little bunny!

She is really good at singing and can sing Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Wheels on the Bus and The ABC song all on her own.  She can also count to 10 really well and is working on counting to 20. 

Riding in the skidloader with daddy!

She also is a great helper with Evan, and it doesn't hurt that he absolutely adores her and she is my built-in entertainer!  We were on a walk a few days ago and Evan started crying and she started singing Twinkle Twinkle really loud over his crying to get him to stop and it worked!  Usually whenever he starts fussing I just have to send her over to him and he will stop.  I really can't wait to see them play together as they grow up.  It amazes me how awesome Grace already is as a big sister - I feel like she was born to be a big sister because she is so caring and sweet and always ready to help.  Hopefully this lasts a long time!

At the Toledo Zoo - third year in a row!

Playing with daddy - notice that Evan is about
to lose it!

Happy Halloween!

On to Evan...he has been quite difficult the last 2 weeks or so.  He went from sleeping at least 6 hours pretty regularly to only sleeping 2-3 at the most every night.  Last night was night 15 of less than 5 hours of sleep for me.  It's amazing that I'm even functioning as a person right now.  I'm really hoping that we can turn this around really soon so that I can enjoy Christmas a little bit.  It's frustrating because we've tried every trick in the book that we know of and nothing has really seemed to help.  It's also frustrating because when Grace was his age she had started sleeping really well and was going 8+ hours at night and taking a 2+ hour nap every day. 

Did you say milk?!?

3 months

4 months

5 months

He is definitely an emotional little guy - when he's happy he's very happy, but when he's mad he's very mad!  His moods turn really quickly, too.  He can melt your heart with his smile one minute and then be screaming his head off the next.  I really hope he calms down a little soon!  He loves to chew on all the toys on his exersaucer, but he has to bend them pretty far to get them into his mouth.  Some of them bend pretty easily, but some of them aren't designed to bend at all.  After a few minutes of trying to get the non-bendy ones in his mouth (and failing) he will stiffen up his whole body and start screaming with tears running down his face (all in a matter of seconds).  I'll turn him around to let him play with the other toys but the next thing I know he will have turned himself back around and is trying to conquer the non-bendy toys again (and getting mad all over again!).  I'm glad to see persistence, but not glad to see the quick temper!

The offending exersaucer

Hanging with daddy

Mr. Smiles

So precious (and rare!)

It only took us 5 months but we
finally decorated his room!

He started rolling from his back to his stomach a little over 2 weeks ago and now sleeps on his stomach at night, which means we were finally able to stop swaddling him.  Unfortunately we still are putting him in his swing in the mornings since he hasn't been going back to sleep after I feed him.  I really hope we can stop soon - he's definitely too long for it and the poor motor is definitely struggling to swing him!

We tried putting him a big pumpkin like
we had done with Grace - he HATED it!
To be fair - we probably didn't warm it up enough first.

This pic made me laugh because it looks
like he's being birthed from the pumpkin!

A little happier with his costume on!

I think that's about it for now - hopefully the pictures helped make this a bit more entertaining!  Here is a random pic from our house and the beautiful sunset.

Hitting Our Stride (most days, anyway!)

Things have finally settled down enough that I am actually able to find a few minutes to finally write an entry.  I think I've given up hope that I will ever be able to do one more than about once a month though.




Evan continues to grow (and grow, and grow!).  At his 2 month check-up he weighed 13 lbs, 15 ozs, which is in the 93rd percentile!!  I think his rolls have rolls - in fact, we counted 4 rolls on his thighs the other day!!  I figure by the time he turns one my arms will be ripped from carrying him around :)
Overall, he is a pretty happy baby (who wouldn't be when you have that much chub?!), but when he gets mad - LOOK OUT!  He definitely has a temper.  He also is already really good at the pouty face.  When he starts to get upset his whole face just crumples and his bottom lip sticks way out and he lets out this sad little cry like his whole world is ending.  I have a feeling I will see that face a lot as he gets older and Grace does things he doesn't like!  He started smiling in early August and now will smile almost all the time and coo/talk back at us.  It's so cute! 

Sleepy boy

First bath!

One month

Two month

He has also started to consistently sleep around 6 hours every night, and sometimes will even go 7 hours.  I am so thankful, because it was really rough there for the first 8 weeks or so.  It's hard to believe he will be 12 weeks old on Thursday.  One of the downfalls to having such a chunky baby is that it seems like I only had a tiny little baby to hold for a few weeks, so that makes me sad. 

My three kids!

Grace also seems like she is changing every day, and seems less and less like a little toddler and more and more like a preschooler.  Even her speech is improving, but it's sad, too.  She used to call Toby "dado" but now he's Toby and now she will call herself Gracie instead of "Chi-chi".  It seems like it happens overnight - one day she saying her cute little versions, and the next day she's saying the words perfectly.  It breaks my heart a little bit to think that we'll probably never hear "dado" in our house again, unless by some chance that is what Evan decides to call Toby. 

Beach baby

Yep,she's naked under there!

We also have to be EXTREMELY careful about what we say or do around her because she is a perfect little mimic.  One day we were grocery shopping and we were just about finished and I said, "Let's hit the road, Jack" and now she says it all the time when we get ready to leave anywhere.  She also says "boom-sha-ka-la-ka" and will tell you things are HUGE or any other adjective she has recently heard.  She loves kids songs - her favorites are "The Muffin Man" and "Baa, Baa, Black Sheep".  She can sing along pretty well and says the ABC's and counts to 10, and also knows opposites - she'll try to tell you something is little if you say it's big, etc.

Pushing her baby and wearing
Mommy's sandals

We took Grace to the Manchester, Chelsea, and Saline Fairs this year, and it was so cute to see her on the rides.  Her favorite was the trucks - they had those at the Manchester and Saline fairs, and I think she would have ridden them 100 times if we had let her.  My dad brought my niece, Ellie, to the Saline Fair with us for "Preschool Day" and she and Grace had a blast going on the rides together.  I can't wait to see them do this every year and enjoy things like this while they grow up. 

"Milking" a cow at the fair

She is very sweet to Evan and is always very excited to help out in any way.  If he's fussing in his bouncy seat or his carseat she will either try to rock it or put his pacifier in his mouth to get him to stop.  The other day he had a little bit of spit-up on his mouth so she ran and found a burpcloth and wiped his mouth for me.  I also found her nursing one of her baby dolls once.  I am really lucky because she doesn't seem to be too jealous of him and seems to love him a lot and want to take care of him. 

She had been eating strawberries and
managed to get juice right above her eyebrows -
in the perfect shape of little antennae!

We've definitely had an eventful few months.  Grace came down with hand, foot and mouth disease at the end of July.  It was not fun, because we had to try to keep her away from Evan as much as possible, and since I am nursing Evan, that meant I had to try to stay away from her.  Yeah, right!  The pediatrician told us that most adults are immune because once you have it, you're not supposed to be able to get it again.  Well, Jeff must have been one of those "rare" adults who can contract it, and two days before Evan's baptism he got REALLY sick.  He had a horrible fever, his throat felt like it was on fire and his whole body ached.  At first we thought it was just the flu, but then he started to get the sores in his mouth and we knew he had caught it from Grace.  It was especially bad timing since we were trying to get the house ready for Evan's baptism and had to clean the garage (we had planned on having it outside but there were storms forecast for that day).  Thankfully my dad was able to come and help and between the two of us we managed to take care of two kids, clean the house and the garage and cook some of the food.  It took Jeff almost a week to finally feel better. 

Evan with his godparents, Ryan and Natalie Rentschler

We went camping up in Ludington on the 10-13th and then turned right back around and had the cross country camp the following weekend.  We had thought about going camping this past weekend, but Evan was EXTREMELY crabby every night that we were in the camper so we decided not to voluntarily torture ourselves again that way.  Hopefully next year will be better!

At Lake Michigan in Ludington

Taking a bath in the sink in Ludington.
We have a picture of Grace in the same sink when she was
three months old.

I am not sure if I mentioned this in any of my previous blogs, but there were three Weidmayer babies all due within a month of each other - Jeff's cousin, Nick, and his wife were due 6/12, Jeff's cousin Nicole was due 7/1, and I was due 7/12.  None of us knew what we were having, so it was interesting debating who was having what and when we would all actually have the babies.  Nick's wife delivered first on 6/14 and had a little girl, I was the big surprise and delivered way early on 6/21, and Nicole had a little boy on 7/3.  So now there are three more cousins all within 3 weeks of each other.  We had a big get-together a few weeks ago where we finally got all the babies in the same place and got pictures.  It was pretty cool.  Jeff's other cousin, Natalie (who is Evan's godmother) is due with twins at the end of the year, so there will be even more of us!  Poor Natalie - she has a boy who turned 3 in May, another little boy who will be 2 in November, and now she has TWO more boys on the way.  Not only will she have 4 under 3 1/2, but they will all be boys!

Four generations of Weidmayer men

All of the great-grandchildren (and more on the way!)

Evan and Gabriel

Evan with my maternal grandparents

Cross country has started in full swing, and that has been harder to deal with now that I have both Grace and Evan.  It seems like there is never enough time to put my energy in all the different areas of my life - if I'm focusing on the cross country kids I feel like I am letting my kids down, and vice versa.  Then there's trying to find time to do housework, house projects, my job as the church treasurer, etc. and a little me-time would be nice too!  I am doing a lot of soul-searching right now about what is the best long-term solution for my family in terms of coaching/working/staying at home.  I go back and forth almost daily on what I should do, but hopefully I can make a decision soon and commit to it so I can plan more for November after this season is done.  Please pray I figure out what that right decision is!

Introducing Evan Jeffrey!!

It's a boy!!  This seems a little silly to post since the majority of people know that he's here, especially since he is almost 3 weeks old now!  He definitely surprised all of us and arrived on 6/21/12, exactly three weeks early.  He weighed 7 lbs, 6 ozs and was 19 3/4" long.  He made the most of the longest day of the year and waited until 11:35 pm to arrive :) 



So, let's see...the story of his birth.  I didn't have any signs that I was going to go into labor anytime soon, or at least not any like I had with Grace.  On Tuesday night (6/19) I remember waking up a lot in the night with back pain and I remember thinking that it felt a little bit like contractions but not believing it really could be.  I was completely expecting him to come close to his due date, since Grace had been born right on hers.  I didn't think he would come until after the 4th at the earliest. 
On Wednesday (6/20) I took Grace to the Treehouse in Chelsea (it's an indoor playground for those of you who don't know) since it was SO stinking hot that we couldn't do anything outside.  It was the first time I had gone by myself with her and I was nervous because the last times we had gone she had needed help climbing the structures and I knew there was no way I would be able to help her since I was so huge!!  But it went great, and I remember I texted Jeff saying I was going to take her at least once a week until the baby came because it was so nice to be able to sit while she played and know that she was safe.  Ha ha!! 

36.5 weeks pregnant.  Little did I know that 3 days
after this pic was taken I would have the baby!

That night we went up to Pleasant Lake and went swimming.  We had already been a few times this summer and it was so nice for me to be able to relieve some of the pressure of being pregnant while I was in the water.  While we were there I had this strong emotion that I needed to cherish these moments because before long our family would be completely different.  I guess maybe subconsciously I knew something was going to happen?

After we got home from the lake I got a headache and felt a little nauseous.  It was the first time I had felt that way since I got over the 1st trimester morning sickness so it did make me wonder a little if labor was coming soon.  But I got over my nausea pretty quickly and decided to make blueberry scones - they were delicious!

We went to bed around 11:30 or so, and I remember that before I turned the light out I got up to pee one more time and it seemed like my underwear was a little wetter than normal, but I didn't think much of it and went to bed and pretty much passed out!  I woke up again at 2 am to pee, and as I was walking to the bathroom it definitely felt like things were really wet.  I sat down on the toilet but before I actually started peeing I heard "plop, plop" in the toilet.  I was still half asleep so it took me a minute to really register what I thought I heard, so I turned the light on (I had started freaking out wondering if I was bleeding!) and that's when I noticed that my pantyliner was TOTALLY soaked through and that there was clear fluid coming out.  I'm glad that this didn't happen with Grace because I might not have figured out that my water had broken.  I think I kind of stood there in shock for a minute or two before I really grasped what was happening.  I didn't have any contractions, I hadn't lost my mucous plug or had "bloody show" (both of which had happened with Grace a few days before I went into labor) so it was a complete surprise.  I went and woke Jeff up and told him that I thought my water had broken and he was completely out of it and I don't think it really registered with him what was happening either! 

Since it was 2 am, we hadn't lined anyone up yet to be "on-call" to come and watch Grace and since I wasn't actually having contractions I decided to try to go back to sleep and wait until either at least 6 am to call anyone or until I actually started having contractions.  Unfortunately, there was no way I was going back to sleep, even though I really needed it!  All I could think about was everything that still needed to get done and how we totally weren't ready for the baby to come and worrying about who would watch Grace, etc, etc.  I hadn't even packed anything for the hospital yet!   Finally at 4:30 I gave up and got out of bed and made a list of all the things we needed to do before we left for the hospital (and started working on those things!).  I also decided that I was going to wait until at least 8 am to do anything and call the doctor's office when they opened to see what they wanted me to do.  I was supposed to have my 37 week appt with my doctor that day where they were going to do an ultrasound to make sure the baby was head-down and I had a list of questions I was going to ask her.

We called my mom and dad at 6:30 and had my mom come over to stay at the house while Jeff and I went walking to see if it would start any contractions.  We walked for an hour and I had some minor contractions while we were walking but as soon as I stopped walking they went away.  When I called the doctor at 8 they told me I needed to go to labor and delivery so I took a shower and then waited until 9:30 when Grace woke up.  There was no way I was leaving before I got to say goodbye to her!!

I think we finally got to the hospital around 10:30.  They checked to see if I was actually leaking amniotic fluid and the test came back positive so it was official - I was going to have a baby that day!  I was also 2 cms dilated and 70% effaced at that point and they did an ultrasound that confirmed the baby was head down.  I was admitted to my room around 12:30 or so.  Since I wasn't having contractions they had to start me on pitocin, but I asked if I could walk around some first to see if it would start anything.  Unfortunately the walking didn't do anything so they started me on pitocin around 3:30 pm.  Once you are on pitocin you have to be constantly monitored so it sucked because it meant that I couldn't walk or sit in the shower. 

I don't think I started having "real" contractions until about 5 pm or so.  Even then, they weren't that painful and were pretty easy to breathe through.  They also weren't very consistent - sometimes they would be 2 minutes apart and then other times they would be 5 minutes apart.  I sat on the birthing ball for awhile and kept trying to change positions as much as I could but it was a total pain with all the IV wires and monitor wires.  I think I was around 4-5 cms dilated at that point.  Around 7:30 pm the contractions started getting really painful and were mostly concentrated in my lower back/tailbone.  I was really worried this meant the baby was "sunny side up" and I was in for a lot of pain but the nurse didn't seem to think so.  My mom, my sister and Jeff's mom had been in the room until that point but I kicked them out for at least an hour while I focused on getting through the contractions.  They checked me at around 9 pm and I was almost 7 cm dilated.  I had really been hoping it would be more since the contractions were really hurting by then!!  I couldn't believe how much my lower back was hurting and none of the positions I tried were helping.  I was also totally exhausted at this point - I had essentially been awake for over 36 hours and I hadn't eaten anything substantial since the blueberry scones almost 24 hours before.  The nurse checked me again around 10 or so and I was at 9 cms - she also tried to "stretch" my cervix when she did this (without telling me ahead of time that she was going to do it) and that was my breaking point.  I am honestly surprised that I didn't punch her in the face when she did that - it hurt more than any pain I had felt up to that point.  I think I started crying and I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore and told Jeff and the nurse that I wanted an epidural.  I figured they would tell me it was too late, but by 10:45 pm I had the epidural and was starting to feel a TON of pressure.  I kind of regret getting the epidural because I had wanted to go natural again like I had with Grace, but the doctor told me it had allowed me to finally relax enough to finish dilating so I guess it was a good thing.  Although it still seems silly to me that I had it for barely an hour!! 

Around 11:20 pm I started pushing and in less than 10 minutes of pushing baby Evan arrived!  Once his head came out (which hurt like CRAZY, even with the epidural) I figured it would be really easy from there since I remembered with Grace that it only took one little push to get the rest of her body out, but I was wrong.   The dr and nurses kept telling me to push as hard as I could and I felt like I was but his body wasn't coming out.  Finally I heard a "snap" (which TOTALLY freaked me out) and he came out all the way.  I heard the doctor say "make sure you check his clavicle" and I was terrified that he had broken his shoulder.  It turns out that he decided to come out with his right hand by his face so his arm was stuck on my pelvic bone.  Thankfully nothing was wrong except he had a bad bruise on his forearm but it completely explained why I had been having such bad pain in my tailbone area.  The doctor also told me that when babies come out that way that it's the equivalent of giving birth to a baby that weighs 1/2 lb more, so at that point I stopped feeling like a wimp for getting the epidural!!  The best part of Evan taking so long to come out was that when the nurse shift changed at 11 pm I was able to get my cousin Connie as my nurse.  She had just missed Grace being born so I was glad Evan cooperated for her :)

Best nurse ever!

We were discharged from the hospital on Saturday evening, but ended up going back on Sunday afternoon and spending another night because Evan developed jaundice.  We knew we were at a higher risk of him getting it because Grace had it, and also because our babies get a "special" kind of jaundice because of blood-type incompatibility.  I have O blood and Jeff has AB blood so both of our kids ended up with A blood.  A/B blood doesn't mix with O blood so while I am pregnant the anti-bodies of the different blood types cross through the placenta and the baby has more bilirubin in their bloodstream when they are born.  I totally blame Jeff for this because he's the one with the weird blood type!!  Anyways, more anti-bodies mix with each subsequent pregnancy so it gets worse with each baby.  Add to that the fact that Evan was born in the 37th week and the risk gets even higher.  The frustrating part is that our normal pediatrician doesn't do rounds anymore at the hospital where we delivered, so we just had whoever was on rotation each day deciding whether Evan needed treatment for the jaundice or not.  The doctor who let us go home on Saturday was following the "mid-risk curve" and said he was okay, but the doctor who made us go back on Sunday was following the "high-risk curve".  It ended up being the right thing to do to go in, but in a way it would have been easier to just stay at the hospital on Saturday night and start the light treatment then.  We finally got to go home for good on Monday afternoon, but Evan went to the doctor for blood draws on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and again the following Monday.   Plus, we had noticed a spot in his right eye inside the pupil so our doctor sent us to the Kellogg Eye Center at U of M on Thursday morning to have them look at it.  It ended up being a (hopefully) harmless persistent pupilliary membrane (basically a "piece" of the iris was left behind when the pupil formed inside the iris) that shouldn't cause any problems.  We have to go back in 6 months just to make sure it isn't affecting his vision - if it's making his vision blurry his brain can start to ignore the images coming from that eye which would essentially make him blind in that eye.  It has been a crazy few weeks, but so far things have finally started to settle down, thank goodness.

Coming home (the first time)!

What a sweet big sister!

Evan has been a pretty easy baby so far (except for all the medical issues!).  He usually only cries when he's hungry or needs his diaper changed, but the doctor warned us that he could be mellower than usual because of the jaundice and being born early.  We're bracing ourselves for the other shoe to drop since Grace was so unhappy the first 3 months of her life!  Thankfully, he is a really good eater (he latched on within 20 minutes of birth) so nursing has been easy, but I totally forgot how time-consuming it is.  It's easy to adjust to each new stage of independence your kids reach and hard to go back to the phase where they are totally dependent on you!  Evan actually gained 10 ozs from his Wednesday doctor appt to his Monday doctor appointment so I know he's eating enough!!

My loves!

Grace has been...interesting since Evan came home.  NO (said with an attitude) seems to be her word of choice these days, and it's hard to tell if she's acting like this because of Evan, or because she probably got whatever she wanted from my dad the entire time we were in the hospital, or if it's just the "terrible twos" showing up.   I've really been struggling being patient with her since I'm pretty exhausted most of the time and I've definitely been losing my temper more with her lately.  Every day I feel so guilty because I feel like at any given moment I'm ignoring one of them.  It was really hard on me when Evan came so early because I hadn't really prepared Grace (or myself!) for the changes.  I thought I had a few more weeks to spend with her and had even ordered a "big sister" book on Amazon 2 days before he was born that I was going to read with her before he came.  It is very overwhelming going from 1 child to 2, especially when you weren't really prepared yet!  Each day seems to get a little easier, but I'm worried about what I'm going to do when Evan isn't a little baby who can't move or get into things and I'll be chasing both of them around!!   Thankfully Grace is really loving toward Evan and always wants to see him or kiss him or hug him.  Hopefully these feelings last a long time :)  On a funnier note, Grace cracked both of us up the other day when we were out to lunch - we told Grace she was getting chicken fingers for lunch and when they came she shouted "chicken hands!!".  It was so stinking cute!!

With Great-grandma and grandpa Holleran

So, that's the story of our newest miracle's arrival into the world.   Please pray for all of us as we adjust to everything new!

Smiling in his sleep!